I should be the last person to be surprised by this but maybe I’ve been living in a bubble for two years but like wow there are some dudes from my high school that are living in some weird misogynistic universe where feminism is just another liberal invention out to destroy tradition and I shouldn’t have to be there to be like what the fuck man????
I got a job and I’m seeing erikczaja tomorrow
If the world is round
Let me rest
upon that which is flat.
This is definitely the first day in months that I’ve been alone and have had nothing to do. The catalyst causing a pivotal moment in my life is now over, and this is the first time in a while that the future is looking unpredictable. For the first time in months I don’t know what’s going to happen to me a few months from now. I also haven’t really been using social media to the extent that I had been since high school, and I wrote it off as what happens when you grow up. You lose this sense that the world revolves around you and your problems, and you submit yourself to someone else, or some other thing. Maybe I just wanted to not disappoint my parents. I’m lucky to have parents who want to secure a future for me, without really having to struggle. Maybe this doesn’t even really mean anything. In hindsight, I don’t really have it that bad. No one really has it that bad. I haven’t seen my friends in a long time. I still don’t know how to talk on the phone, or how to talk to people in general. Everything is about money, for better or for worse. I’ve never created anything whole alone. I just have bits of things that don’t really mean anything. I’m the product of my environment. I’m excited to buy a suit, why? Why do I suddenly care about how nice my clothes are? I still don’t want a haircut, and I really want a tattoo. But I’m just serving some sort of substance-less aesthetic. And I’m the happiest I’ve been in my life. I’ve been thinking about buying a house. I don’t have a savings account. Or a credit card. I’ve been thinking about losing my youth. I’m excited to read the paper in the morning. But just to keep up, not because I care about what’s happening in Gaza. I’m not going to do anything about it, I’m not going to the Israeli consulate to protest, so who cares? I want to work with kids, but most kids make me cringe. I want to work with kids because I feel some sort of responsibility of justice for all the kids who paint their nails or cry in public places. Because that’s what I did when I was a kid, and everyone thought I was weird. But everything’s fine now, because this is what it’s like to be an adult I guess. Going to Yankee game on friday with my friends, and I’m going to see St. Vincent on Saturday, so I guess my foresight will just be day to day, and not month to month, or year to year. I want to travel again, and I want to play in a band again. I quit smoking. I only did it because it looked cool. That’s why everyone does it. That’s all I got.
Feeling some way about not belonging to a group of people that I’ve identified myself with since I was 16. Feeling like I jumped ship, feeling like I betrayed some people in an attempt to cover my ass.
But at the same time, I know I had to take a look at my life trajectory, consider the options, consider the things I really want in life and realizing that all I want is stability, something I could never have otherwise.
It’s known in human development that consistancy breeds stability and good mental health, and I think that everyone just needs to remember that. Waking up in a different place every day, regardless of what people might say, is never good for your mental health, but at the same time, those who have the most fucked up heads are the ones creating the art I love and value and seek to impress on children who lack the vision and opportunity to create themselves.
Just keep doing what you’re doing, and you’ll make it all work out in the end. Bailing out on an artistic life is not necessarily bailing out on art itself.